This is how the fat is made...

A long time ago... I mean a really long time ago...

Once upon a time, when dragons roamed the earth... I used to be thin. Um, well, I used to be thin-ner. As an actor, thin is good. Thin is the shit. I wasn't quite the shit but I was certainly a fart of some kind.

Anyway, I was much thinner when Vicky and I met. I got this way by going to the gym and, more importantly, not eating like a big, fat, fucking pig.

Then, Vicky came along.

Before you start screaming "TREND", hear me out.

I usually skipped lunch and ate only a small dinner. Or, I ate a small lunch and skipped dinner.

Then, Vicky came along.

You can now scream.

If anyone is beside you, I'd suggest moving.

Vicky is a wonderful girl. She said, "You can't skip meals. It's not good for you." So, I stopped skipping meals. She said, "You need to eat more than just a granola bar for lunch." So, I did.

And I got fatter and fatter.

Lunches went from a granola bar to a granola bar and a yogurt, and then I added a fruit cup, and then I added some string cheese, and then I added a side of beef, and then I added a small mobile home... with an olive...

So, I'm thinking it's time to change that. I'm going to try eating a little more sensibly with small dinners and lunches that take less than an hour to eat.

I'd like to stop blocking out the sun at auditions. I want to stop scaring little Japanese kids on the street as they run away shouting, "Godzirra!!!"

Today, I brought a yogurt.

One, lone yogurt.

... boy, my keyboard sure is looking tasty...