Tuesday, March 28, 2006

On hearts (for Vicky)...

(Don't worry. The whole "Hawaiian Adventure" entry is coming.)

Have you ever come to a realization that you don't think anyone in their right mind would understand? Welcome to my world.

I've made this realization and it's so very counter-intuitive that when I tell you, it's going to sound like I'm saying that the sky is puce. But bear with me.

It's been coming for a while... a long while.

Should I tell you now or wait?

Here it is.

... nope. There's no short way to put this. Bear with me.

My first play - that's right, I'm taking you back a few years BV (Before Vicky) - Everything Changes was about a man with a broken heart who was trying to act as if everything was okay. Not only that but it was also about a woman with a broken heart, trying to go on with her life despite it. I recently finished No More Blue Roses, which is, in a way, about a man who is tired of people minimizing his heart-break. And now, I've started this new book...

Broken hearts. People are so full of platitudes about how things will get better and you'll be stronger and blah blah blah... Personally, it makes me sick.

And I didn't realize this until just the other day.

And I realized something about all these books and plays.

And I realized (rather quickly because it doesn't require all that much thought) that what I'm really talking about... is me.

My heart was broken. My life was ruined... destroyed, really.

And I hear people tell me about how I've come out the other end and how my life wasn't ruined after all and blah blah blah... and here's the thing. They are wrong.

And here's the bigger thing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I've felt so insecure about this, as if saying it would trivialize the love I feel for Vicky, as if I was a liar because you can't have it both ways...

Last night, I posed this to Vicky, "Man A says to you that he loves you so much he'll walk a mile. Man B, who has two shattered legs, also says to you that he loves you so much that he'll walk a mile. What can you tell me about the two men?" I was anticipating that she would conclude, as I had, that Man B must love her more.

She said, "You can't walk with two shattered legs."

And it's occurred to me that this is my point exactly. You can't. But he must love her a hell of a lot to even suggest it. And now, picture this broken shell of a man clawing his way through that mile. The phrase, "I'll do anything," is what this is all about.

I've been pretending to so many people that my loving Vicky and the love I once had for Rosa are two different things, that they're totally unrelated. And the thing is, it's been eating away at me. I suppose that's why I wrote No More Blue Roses and why I've been inspired to write this new book.

The life I had, the future I thought I had, with Rosa was obliterated. My heart was crushed. And there is no "other end" to come out on, it's just one, continuous lifetime. But I can see a future with Vicky despite that hurt and I love her whole-heartedly despite the injury - this is how much I love her.

I can admit to the pain Rosa caused me, which was tremendous, without denying the great joy I have with Vicky. Not only is it allowable - it's the right thing to do.

This is more about the lies I've been telling myself, by the way. I don't think other people have been thinking that I didn't love Rosa. But I've spent so many years telling myself this lie that I think it has eroded my own, personal history. And now, it has come back through my subconscious through these books, and I'm thankful for that. And having come to this realization, I feel better for it.

Here it is. I loved Rosa with all of my heart. And, after she smashed it into a million pieces, I gave them to Vicky; I put them into her hands. And she is worthy of that and I am abundantly fortunate.

So, this thing that I've been ashamed of is actually a love letter to my wife.


I love you, Vicky. Thank you.

(And, in case you're wondering, now I can really start that book...)

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