Friday, June 28, 2013

Taglines that never quite took off...

Taglines that never quite took off...

#25: Pork. The other white steroid-laden, hormone soaked obscenity that shouldn't get near your mouth.

#24: Beef. It's what's for dinner... until we run out and start on the cats.

#23: Michelob Ultra. Still tastes just as shitty as our regular beer - in fact, even moreso!

#22: Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas, looks much better in a movie. Otherwise, it's shit.

#21: Finger-lickin' barf!

#20: Snap. Crackle. And, yes, we know they taste like cardboard. What do you want from us?

#19: Every kiss begins with a K... and ends with the terrible suspicion that the other person has herpes.

#18: Ivory Soap. 99.44% pure... the rest is rat feces.

#17: When you care enough to send a shitty card.

#16: Never let them see you sweat... or crap your pants.

#15: Dunkin. Time to make the donuts, just as soon as I spit in the batter.

#14: Disneyland. The happiest place on earth as long as you're not a Jew.

#13: Have a coke and these dead polar bears we found floating around.

#12: Have a coke and diabetes.

#11: Have a coke and rotten teeth.

#10: Please don't squeeze the Charmin... perv.

#9: What's in your wallet? Really? How much? Holy shit. Seriously? Well, hand it over.

#8: Nothing comes between me and my Calvins... except for my crabs.

#7: Calgon, kill my husband and make it look like an accident. Oh, and I could use some cocaine.

#6: Got bovine lactation fluid?

#5: Budweiser. The King of Uriney-looking beverages.

#4: Bounty. The quicker - oh, ick. I don't want to touch that!

#3: You're in good colon with Allstate.

#2: I can't believe I ate the whole cat.

#1: Morbid Obesity. It isn't just for breakfast anymore.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

New series are coming to my YouTube channel...

Launching on my YouTube channel on September 1st will be GETTING OUT MORE OFTEN with Sean & Ken. I’m really excited about this. I am working with my friend, Sean, to create a monthly series in which we get out and around southern California to restaurants, shops, you name it. I’ll talk a bit about the place, interview people, and we’ll have a great time. Our first episode will take us to our local breakfast joint: Keno’s… but will we survive?


Be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel for this and other exclusive web series coming this year!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Taking a peak at Bedford…

Went on a pretty strenuous hike yesterday up into Silverado Canyon in the Cleveland National Forest to Bedford Peak.

… it didn’t exactly go as planned.

Fortunately, it wasn’t my first time out there. On my first hike, I’d only taken about a liter of water and a snack. I had hiked at 10am with no clear goal or idea where I was going. This time, things would be different.

I brought two liters of water and several snacks. I left at 7:15am!

That’s right.

I was ready.

Mind you, the first couple of miles is just about straight uphill – and that sucks. But there was some shade, which helped. I made it to the peak and was just about ready to turn around when…

… hold on…

… it wasn’t the peak.

It was A peak.

But I couldn’t find the USGS marker showing that it was THE peak, Bedford Peak.

Fine, I thought. At that point, I could see I was hiking on a ridge of peaks. One of them should be Bedford.

I proceeded to the next peak… no marker.


From the peak, the trail descended to a metal gate and I took it. When I reached the gate, I said, “It’s time to have something to eat.” I ate a banana, which survived surprisingly well, and an apple. Damn, apples are good on a hike!

As I was eating my apple, I saw the biggest coyote I’d ever seen cross the trail about 20 yards or so, back the way I’d come. It was beautiful. Most coyotes I’ve seen are mangy things that slope down into the city in search of food. This beast strode tall and proudly, a king amongst coyotes. It was mostly tail, sporting the biggest, bushiest tail I’d ever seen.

I said, “WOW!” like a schoolboy.

And, of course, the coyote saw me. He turned and looked at me like I wasn’t worth the trouble.

I said, “Hello, Mister Coyote.”

He walked away, uninterested in conversation.

From the gate I leaned against, I could see a small trail shoot off to another peak not far away. I took that… no dice.

I had one option remaining. I was now on the Main Divide Road, which sloped up to another series of peaks. I decided to take the “road” to the next peak – just one more and then I’d be done.

Well, it didn’t exactly go straight up. Like the other trail, it meandered its way around. When I finally reached the peak, which by this time was a climb of about 3,800 feet or so, I looked around… but couldn’t find a USGS marker. (It was only when I reached home that I discovered that had been Bedford Peak. Next time, I’ll have to look more carefully for the marker.)

By this time, the sun hovered high above me. The time was after 11am and the day was getting hotter. It was time to turn back. My legs were growing weary and the hike down off the peak just made them worse.

But I got back to my car and I got back home and I armed myself with lots of Advil. That was quite a hike!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Married to a Chef on So Dream Something...

Kerilyn Russo, founder of Married to a Chef (at, is my guest this month on So Dream Something.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

You don’t have to be paranoid…

Now that we know the federal government is doing everything it can to impinge upon our liberties – tracking phone calls, online interactions, credit card numbers, how many erections we have each day, etc. – it almost doesn’t pay to be paranoid.

I mean, it’s right there in your face!

So, I was wondering what all of this new “freedom” (he said, Orwellian-ly) will do for us. Keep in mind that no matter how many federal employees all this data goes to… it’s still going to people who work for the government, just about the laziest, dumbest, shiftiest people around. You know: ‘Marukins!

I have this sinking suspicion that it won’t make much of a difference at all. If the government decides you’re an enemy, they’ll now have plenty of resources to “prove it”. If, on the other hand, you have enough money and bribe enough politicians… you’ll be just fine, Mister Romney!

I mean, look at how the background on Edward Snowden (the hero who told us all what our government is doing to us) is already being leaked to paint the picture the government wants painted. From geek to lay-about, it’s not about the story or the truth, it’s about being in the 4th grade – and who wants to be seen with the nerd?

It’ll get worse, of course. Just as we’ve seen the US government slowly crucify Bradley Manning, Snowden will also find himself under the government’s thumb.

And this all happens because of choices we make: people we vote for, organizations we fund. If we would stop being such sheep and remember who has been wronging us – and, yes, I include President Obama in this list – we can change things.

I have hope such a thing is possible.

My name is Fielding Mellish.

It must be bad if it’s illegal, right?...

Another state made something about pot legal today. I don’t know which state. In fact, I can’t even source my claim – but it does seem as though something is made legal each day. Either pot is legalized for medicinal purposes or it’s legalized outright. The fact is, states are changing their mind about this whole marijuana thing.

And the federal government continues to insist that it MUST be illegal. Hell, it’s bad for you, isn’t it? Isn’t it a gateway drug, the end of civilization, the cock of Satan, as we’ve always been told? They certainly can’t make it legal if it’s bad for you, can they?

… well, I was thinking about this today as I was out jogging and it made me think.

Consider tobacco. It’s perfectly legal for adults, isn’t it? And what is its one redeeming value?

It’ll kill you.

That’s it. The best thing you can say about tobacco is it will kill you.

Meanwhile, what can you say about pot? Well, it’s beneficial medicinally. When raw, its benefits to your health are incredible. Growing it helps the soil. It can be made into a textile, an oil, paper, concrete… the list goes on and on.

Oh, and odds are pretty good it won’t kill you.

The only reason tobacco is legal is because the tobacco lobby bribes our politicians so well. Marijuana does not have as powerful a lobby. Not to mention, other industries such as oil, lumber, alcohol, pharmaceuticals, and so on would be ruined if hemp or pot were ever legalized.

And there you have it. That’s called politics. It doesn’t need to make sense. It just needs to make the rich richer.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

A hike that had my GPS flummoxed…

By the time I completed my hike this morning, my GPS was telling me I had covered 30.85 miles.

My guess is that it was wrong.

This all started at about 7:30 this morning. I piled into my little Honda with a new set of hiking sticks, a new backpack, and even a new hat! I was ready for an adventure!

I wasn’t exactly sure where that adventure would happen but I knew it would start at the Maple Springs trailhead out in Silverado Canyon. Maple Springs starts a long service trail that winds in a seemingly endless journey through the Santa Ana Mountains. Plan A was to just hike that service trail for five or six miles before turning around, thus ensuring plenty of exercise, fresh air, and sore muscles.

But I didn’t go with Plan A.

Plan B presented itself almost immediately, in the form of an unmarked trail about a quarter of a mile up the road. I didn’t know where it went or where it went to – just the kind of adventure I was looking for!

I turned my body in the direction of the trail, fixed my new hiking sticks firmly in hand, and set off…

The trail was your typical, two-foot wide affair, winding around the hillsides, gaining elevation in a slow and steady manner. Fortunately, the morning was still young and the air still cool. The hiking was easy. Of course, after a while, the morning wasn’t so young and I had to remove my hoodie lest I sweat like a hog… which is what I ended up doing anyway.

Soon, I ran into an older gent coming down the hillside. He walked without sticks or packs or even a hat, completely at ease on the hill. He was surrounded by four large dogs, all affably just trotting along. When they saw me kneeling with my hands out and palm up, which is my way of greeting dogs these days, they came up and shared a friendly greeting. Then, the gent and I exchanged greetings and I asked him about the trail.

“Oh, it’s just about three miles to the top,” he said.

So, I kept going. Around and around the hillsides, I hiked, wondering how accurate the old gent’s estimate was. After a while, I knew I’d probably gone a couple of miles and I started looking for the top.

Instead, I saw another old guy heading down my way. This guy was wrapped head to toe in sweats and jeans and a hoodie – this guy was not going to get sunburned! He had the hiking sticks, pack, and hat; I didn’t feel quite so much like a novice.

When I asked him about the top, he said, “That’s about three and a half miles to go. You can’t miss it. There’s a bench there and everything.”

Okay, I thought. Just gotta keep going.

But the hours kept passing and, soon, it was approaching 11am. I’d been hiking for nearly three hours. I knew going down would be much fast than going up. Still, I figured that would be a good time to turn around. I’d hit the peak next time.

Then, I heard my GPS. The GPS app I use, Map My Hike, gives me audible updates on my progress and I heard it tell me how long I’d been hiking, more than two hours, and how far I’d gone. And that’s what threw me. Because it said, “9.5 miles.”

“What?” I muttered. That couldn’t be right. Could it?

Mind you, I’d never taken this trail before… but still…

If anything this just reinforced my decision to turn around, which I did. I ate a snack – a bag of graham crackers, half of which I put in my pocket – and set off.

Down the hill, I went.

Parts of the hillside were pretty steep and I paid attention to the trail as I went. On one straightaway, I noticed a tree branch laying across the trail. When I looked back, I noticed the branch had gotten smaller.

Hold on… I thought.

That’s no tree branch.

As I focused on the “branch”, I realized it was moving. At over two feet long, that “branch” was actually the end of a large snake, slithering across the trail. It wasn’t a rattler and I had no problems with it… but I wish I’d seen it sooner. It looked really cool!

Returning to the bottom of the hill, I came upon a nice, shady area by a dried-up creek bed. I’d seen this on the way up, of course, and had told myself that I could eat the rest of my graham crackers there, in the shade. So, once I got there, I pulled out my crackers, and tried to ignore the flies buzzing around.

Then, the buzzing grew much louder. These were some very loud flies.

But watching them fly around in front of me as their numbers grew, I realized that these were not flies.

I looked down at my arm and saw three fat bees walking on my arm… which was exactly the moment was panic set in. I yelped and shouted. I grabbed my hat off my head and swatted furiously at all the flies that had landed on me and I hauled ass down the trail.

After a bit, they were all gone. But I walked with purpose back to my car.

And my GPS said, “You have gone 30.85 miles.”

No. Not really… it just felt like it.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

It came back from the dead...

Did you hear the news?

My Side is coming back.

No. Not the blog.

My Side. You know…. from about 20 years ago.

When I realized that property was just sitting there, going to waste, I spent some time thinking about how I would bring it back… if I were to bring it back…

Check out my YouTube channel on August 1, 2013 to see what My Side looks like now. I think you’ll like the new drapes.

My Side. August 2013.