Last week, while we were at the outlet mall, I got the coolest pair of cargo pants from Ralph Lauren. I don’t normally (or pretty much ever) shop at Ralph Lauren but, you gotta understand, these are cool pants! What makes them so cool? They are THIN PANTS! THIN PANTS! They make me feel thin!
Sure, they’re 38s but they’re big on me. I feel thin in them! I love them!
Now, I know what you’re going to say and let me stop you there. You’re thinking that “thin pants” are the pants you wear when you’re… you know… thin! Well, I tried to get a consensus via a Google search and it looks like that’s all over the map.
I do have a pair like that, though. In fact, I have two pairs. Two pairs of 36 waist jeans, the coolest jeans in the world, thin-people jeans. (Well, “thin” as I define it, at least.) I used to wear those jeans back when I was acting, the star of stage, screen, and Wendy’s salad bar. (Thanks, Rick!) They are my “I can’t wait until I am thin” jeans.
But these cargo pants are much nicer. They appeal to my vanity by being nice and loose! They make me feel thin! Who cares if they are a fat size – do you have any idea how loose they’ll be after I get down to my “acting weight”? (A weight that is so much thinner that I am now, a weight that I was up until about four years ago, a weight that Vicky totally fucked up by making me happy and shit, that I won’t even bother to tell you cause you just ain’t gonna believe me.)
So, I’ll hit the gym tonight and I’ll lift weights and I’ll run but even if it doesn’t work miracles overnight, I know it will work in time and, until then, I have my thin pants.
Who says I’m shallow?
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