Friday, January 18, 2008

Clutzy and Old…

In case you’re wondering what old age is all about, well, let me tell you I’m getting a taste of it first hand. I’m beginning to think it’s all about mornings, making time in your mornings – at least, that’s a slice of it. The clutzy part… that’s age agnostic.

I woke up this morning to my routine and realized, I should have seen it coming the night before but my goosefleshed skin spoke up, that Vicky had turned off the heater. Great. Stupid-o’clock and freezing cold as well. Fun!

The shower warmed me up but, you know the drill, that warmth is stripped off of you like an ice bath the minute you step out and, when the heater’s not on, that ice bath is a mean mother. So, you hurry. Hurry on the socks – hurry on the jeans – hurry on the shirt – hurry on the shoes – hurry downstairs – hurry, hurry, hurry. (Yes, I skipped the part about giving Vicky a kiss goodbye. Not that I didn’t do it, I just decided not to go on and on about how warm she looked under three blankets while I was freezing cold.)(Yes, in Southern California 50 degrees fahrenheit is considered freezing!)

I’ve been trying to eat a healthy – not big or fattening but healthy and small – breakfast every morning. Usually, I start with a cereal that’s good for me and some light soy milk… usually… we’re out of light soy milk. Okay. Plan B: find something else. I opt for a frozen burrito, which… well, let’s just say you should never have read this paragraph.

The reason you need to make plenty of time in the morning is because you’ll be spending all that time taking pills. I’ve only just started and I hear it just gets worse from here. First thing: glucosamine chondroitin. My doctor has me taking this for… well, old age basically. These are not the kinds of joint I want to have to concern myself with (when was the last time I smoked pot, anyway?) but, to relieve the aches and pains of 42,000 years, my doc has me taking three horsepills worth of this each day. Next: red rice yeast. Here’s the story about red rice yeast; it’s a big joke. Doctors put you on this stuff just before they put you on “Hardongobyebye” meds. I swear. Have you ever heard of red rice? Have you ever heard of rice yeast? NO! It’s a placebo, people! When I look it up in the Wiki, I get red yeast rice – fucking people can’t even make up their minds on what to call it!

And “red yeast rice” sounds even worse than red rice yeast. “Would you like white or brown rice? Or red yeast rice?” Blech! It’s supposed to lower your LDL-cholesterol. I take it because I am a fat, old fuck. God damn.

So, as if that wasn’t bad enough. On top of all that, I have to take my vitamins. Vicky has me taking them in liquid form. They taste like a glass of liquid crap. But I take a swig every morning, right after my old age meds, to make me healthier…. Sure…. Give me a fucking break.

I reach into the fridge, grab the bottle – it says to shake – and I give it a vigorous shake.

… Here’s a tip! Make sure the lid is all the way on!

It takes three shakes for me to realize exactly what I’m doing. What can I tell you? I’m not completely awake, yet. The first shake registers a weary “Huh?” The second shake elicits a disturbed “What the hell is that?” With the third shake, I realize I am reenacting Mount Vesuvius in my right hand – or something far more sexual than even I will imply – and liquid vitamins are all over the floor.


Old and clutzy. I can’t wait for senility.

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