Friday, August 03, 2007


No, you didn’t read that wrong. I know my wedding anniversary isn’t until 9/24 (Vicky actually forgot it once – TRUE STORY!) but you have to get a jump on these things.

This being my second time around, I thought I would follow the official TRADITIONAL ANNIVERSARY GIFT schedule. You know, paper the first year, cotton the second, lint the third, a rock the fourth – things like that.

I know. I know. Most women would prefer you follow the modern gift schedule, which looks a lot like:

Year One: Diamond
Year Two: Luxury Car
Year Three: Diamond
Year Four: Luxury Yacht
Year Five: Another mother fucking Diamond, bitch, and it better be an FL!
Year Six: Your Liver

Nope. I’m making my marriage with Vicky traditional… mostly. Sure, I wrote her a love letter last year (with earrings). This year, I want to find some beautiful, cotton… something. No, not a cotton ball – that’s too obvious. I just need to look around. But the idea is to sneak in something non-traditional with the traditional. That’s why the love letter came with earrings and why the cotton something this year will come with… ah! But that would be telling!

Mind you, it gets difficult to plan this stuff when Vicky has access to my bank account – that’s right, guys, I trust her. She can poke her nose in at any time and see that I spent a couple hundred bucks at Nordstrom, thus ruining the surprise.

I haven’t figured that part out, just yet. The problem with being totally open with my wife is that it makes it nearly impossible to surprise her!

On the other hand, when she sees that all I have is $82, it makes it a whole lot harder to think I’m buying her another diamond!

One other thing about these anniversary gift schedules, is that they start to break down after year 16. I guess that’s about the same time you get sick of buying her another fucking gift. The best part about that is that year 16’s gift is – ready for it? – tungsten. Tungsten! I guess the perfect gift that year is a high-grade motor oil! They have to wait four more years for their next present: China!

… Actually, at that point, the modern schedule’s annual diamond ain’t that bad. I mean, how much is China going for these days?

After that, you only give the wife a gift every 5-10 years! What a deal!

But I don’t really think I need to worry. After year 5, when the present is bronze, or year 10, when the present is aluminium, or year 14, when the present is Ivory and there ain’t no way in hell I’m going to be responsible for the death of yet another elephant – or, worse yet, there’s no such thing as Ivory because all the elephants are dead – I think Vicky’s going to perform a “gift intervention” and just ask for me to clean the toilets… which, at once a year, would probably be more often than I do it now…

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