Thursday, October 20, 2005

On meltdowns and nicotine...

They say that it takes three days to quit smoking. Three days. Three days until the nicotine is no longer in your system, until you're no longer hooked. Three days.


I'm on my third day, if you count the two smokes Vicky gave me on Monday, and dare I say who the hell are those people who seem to know how long it takes to quit? Non-smokers, that's who they are! A bunch of no-nicotine piss ants who think they can tell me it's so easy!!

... I'm a bit irritated.

Now, I know I'm doing the right thing here - I understand that. You don't grow up by acting like a child and I can't help but think that's exactly what giving into my cravings would be... so I won't.

That said, there's been stress.

I'm sure Vicky's noticed it.

But she wasn't there this morning, in my car, on the way to work. I had what you might call a meltdown - and I'm only telling you because I believe I'm not the only one, that this happens to other people as well. I'm telling those people who also have this happen so they don't feel so alone... (God, I sure hope it happens to other people. Otherwise, I'm a freak...)

It started because I realized I'd forgotten to bring some Zipfizz to work. Zipfizz is an energy drink - and I swear by it, mostly because it's not all caffeine and sugar but healthy for you and also because it works. I knew I'd be tired at work. I usually keep some at work. I'd run out and I was supposed to bring some to restock my desk but I'd forgotten them for, probably, the fourth day in a row. Damn it! And, realizing this, I remembered what a shithole job I have and wondered why, despite my many attempts, I can't find another job. This led me down all sort of roads of regret; you might say it came at me from all sides: I'm fat, I'm ugly, I didn't have breakfast and I forgot to bring lunch, I'm 40 and I still haven't been published, the monologue I'm working on has no punch... and on and on and on...

Okay, now, I know that it came from all the stress... that's just something I have to live with, that's what happens when you're stressed.

I used to meltdown pretty often, just a few years ago. But things have gotten better...

Still, it's nice to know that I'm not completely well adjusted.


Vicky said...

Noticed it...Are you kidding???

hbgrrl said...

just breathe