Ken gets the bird...

Believe me. Vicky has a picture. I'm not kidding.

What kind of grown man attracts the hijinks of a mascot? There he/she was, the Red Robin... Red Robin's Red Robin... walking around the restaurant for all the kids. Hey, I didn't try to attract him/her. I didn't do anything, but he/she came on over anyway.

At first, I thought the Red Robin had come to our table for Vicky's amusement. I mean, look at me. Do I look like the kind of person who attracts people, let alone birds? People usually stay away from me. My lack of charm and charisma is usually enough to make them think, "Fifty miles in the opposite direction sounds good."

I said, "Uh, oh. I think the bird's gonna land over here," or something. Sure enough he/she did. Right next to Vicky. So, I was assured this was all about my girl and I could stay out of it. I joked, "Just act like you don't see it. Maybe it will go away." And that was the wrong thing to say. Because the next thing I knew, the Red Robin was picking up my Freckled Lemonade and taking it away. Stupid bird!

When he/she began to taunt me, that's when I really didn't know what to do. I laughed uncomfortably. I joked a bit. Then, it did this hand sign... Come here.

Um... what?

Come here!

Vicky said, "Make friends!"

Ewwwww.... uhhhhh... here's the thing: I didn't know if that was a man or a woman. All I knew was that skooching over would put me directly at crotch level. Little "homophobia" thought bubbles startled to circle nearby. I didn't have much time to think, though. Vicky and the Bird were egging me on. So, Iskooched... and the Red Robin put his/her arm around me.

And then, the Bird gave me back my drink.

Vicky immediately expressed her sadness at not getting a picture.

"Too bad you didn't bring your camera," I easily quipped, relieved.

But then, she pulled out her cell phone.

I swear, the freaking bird preened! I might have squaked a bit but I skooched on back and Vicky snapped her shot.

Feeling entirely too weird at being that close to a strangers crotch - and, let's face it, the strange part was thinking it might have been a guy - I said something like, "I sure hope that was a woman."

"Of course, that was a woman. Look at her legs," Vicky answered. "Those are too thin to be a man's legs."

Good, I thought, relieved.

Then, I told Vicky that the bird had slipped her phone number into my pocket.