Just a few hours home...

This is usually when I start to get that feeling that I've made a sizable mistake... right about when it's too late.

Vicky just dropped me off at work. She dropped me off... and my bike... and my gear. The idea is that I'll ride home tonight. It's about 12-14 miles home and, before you start asking what I was thinking, I thought it would be fun...

I really need to change my definition of fun.

In moment of lucidity, I think about all the things in my life I can't change. I'm stuck in a position that's pretty intolerable, I can't write here, and I'm not moved to work on my play at home. When lucidity descends, I try to change my Can't language to Can language and consider those things I can do. Taking a more active role in improving my health is something I can do and something I've been working on - if slowly - since my last cigarette nearly six months ago. Conditioning myself to be able to ride longer distances is one step in that direction.

It's just that, when I find myself in that "no going back" place, lucidity evaporates and all I'm left with is a guy who is far too old and far too fat to even think of doing this.

...

... oh well...

... see you at home.

(Posting this after I got home, I can tell you that the ride was fantastic! I finished it in 65 minutes – only one bug went down my throat (ick!) – and had a great time!)