My deaf wife and what she listens to…

It may be a contradiction but you’ll just have to deal with that.

How’s this: My wife is deaf and she listens to porn on the radio. Is that better?

So, I’m getting ready for work this morning – I get up at 5-ish so I have to be very, very quiet lest I wake the wife because she’s so easily woken, don’t you know? – and Vicky’s alarm blasts on! It is loud! And my heart jumps and I’m startled and… Vicky rolls over, turns it off, and goes back to sleep. I can’t believe it. I’m wide awake. The dog is wide awake. The neighbors… I mean, the neighboring states are wide awake. Vicky goes back to sleep.

I chalk it up to a fluke. I’m almost ready to go at this point. I select my tie. I tie my shoes – and Vicky’s alarm explodes to life! The window shatters! The dog’s ears gush blood! Car alarms in Fontana go off and… Vicky rolls over, turns it off, and goes back to sleep.

This is the woman whose sleep is disturbed if I get into bed as quietly as possible after she’s gone to sleep. Can someone explain this?

All I can figure is: she’s deaf. Vicky’s deaf. She must be. After all, I’ve heard the music she listens to and – it’s not that it’s bad – the genres are so inconsistent that she can’t possibly be hearing it. She switches from metal to country to “Groovy Kind of Love” by Phil Collins. What the fuck? Then, she puts her radio on the Sirius Playboy Channel. Christy Canyon and Ginger Lynn (porn stars I… um… grew up on) are on the air, talking about sex.

Listen, folks, porn on the radio is like morse code in print. I told Vicky that it was an awful lot like listening to Edgar Bergan and Charley McCarthy’s old radio show and she replied, of course, “Who’s Edward Berlin?”

I’m old and she’s deaf.

Christy and Ginger were on the radio the other night as we drove out to dinner. They were talking about putting things – wait for it – inside a man’s penis. (As opposed to, you know, a woman’s penis.) I didn’t hear exactly what they were putting in there – M&Ms, watermelons, Toyotas – my ears just shut down all of a sudden. I think my penis told them to.

Which must mean they were talking about equally horrific things for women when Vicky went deaf…