Tuesday, June 26, 2007

File this under sketch comedy that nearly was…

The Apostles got a bum deal…

You’ve all heard of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John: the Apostles. They had some big hits in their days but, like all bands, they had their problems. Sure, Matthew had everything in balance like all good drummers. But John was too cosmic, penning the ballad, “Something in the way HE heals the lepers”. But the band held together until the big fallout before Mark and Luke. Luke called Mark obtuse and Mark accused Luke of just wanting to write hits. Indeed, Luke went solo on Acts, which still gets spun to this day.

… in the middle of this parallel between the Beatles and the Gospels (who I named The Apostles because, well, not only does is sound better but there was actually a punk group by that name), everything kind of fell apart.

I mean, look who’s calling who obtuse!

Anyway, I’m a little stretched today. Yesterday really drew me in all sorts of directions and I’m just trying to yank myself together.

I told you all about my hallucinatory funk but I thought I’d fill you in on how you get back from that spot, as well. What’s going on could be stress related but I doubt it’s emotion; it’s probably chemical. Basically, when it was over, which wasn’t until nearly 6pm, I was just very, very tired. I had gone to the gym after work and found, to my immense relief, that having headphones blaring in your ears shuts out the voices. That’s nice! I’d bring my iPod to work if I didn’t have to… you know, work. But it didn’t shut down the light show. I try not to avoid hallucinations when I have them; I think it’s important to look them dead on. So, I can report that by this late in the day it was kind of like a thin film over my eyes (like when you wake up) with localized “distortions”, which is the only way I can think of phrasing “weak hallucinations”. What is that? Cheap special effects. It’s like your brain says, “We can’t afford a full-on visitation from the undead so let’s just give him something in the corner of his eye – really fast.” The trick there is not allowing your natural instinct to compel you to look, just knowing that your brain has its own agenda and going with the flow.

Actually, as I write that I can’t help but realize how very different it must sound to someone who doesn’t hallucinate. So, let’s liken it to someone who gets a lot of backaches… my wife, say. She lives with it; it’s that simple. So, do I.

Today, whatever chemicals were causing my brain to go nuts (so to speak) are not as strong. So, I have a strong sense of someone hovering just out of my vision but I know that nobody’s there. So, I’m trying to ignore it. It is irritating. I want to look over my shoulder and ask, “Don’t you have something better to do?” But, I know that nobody is there. So…

One interesting note is that I’m going in for lab tests tomorrow, requested by my doc for my physical exam. I can’t help think that my mental state is going to affect my physical in some way. She might say, “Your blood pressure is very high.”

But here’s the thing. I went in for a physical for two reasons. 1) To have a mole removed, which should happen when I go for my follow-up visit. 2) To get a referral to a shrink. I figure that, in order to get a good referral, I’ll need to give her some information. So, when she asks about my blood pressure, I’ll probably respond with, “Here’s the thing, doc. I was hallucinating more or less non-stop that week. You know of any shrinks who might be able to help me?”

Getting help is important because, for as wonderfully understanding as Vicky has been, it’s not fair to her to go without help. And I can just imagine what she’s thinking about the child we plan to have together…

Is it any wonder I’m having a problem writing something funny?

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