New Voyages – Old Pain…

What was so painful about the original Star Trek series? Bad acting? Bad production values? Bad stunt doubles? Bad acting? Sure, we all had our own list.

But, fortunately, that was aborted in 1969 when someone wise and wonderful at the network watched it… and threw up a little in his mouth. Let’s face it, the original series was really bad at times and an early death did it good. After all, the movies were only half bad and the Next Generation was (I can’t say anything bad or Vicky will KILL ME)…

I thought all of my original series pain had been suffered.

Um.

… No.

Because, thanks to the fans… actually, thanks to fans with lots of money who can afford to produce new shows, new shows are, well, being produced.

Yep. It’s Star Trek: The New Voyages.

Now, I don’t know how many of you have watched this or how many of you care but I do because I did and I have… so I will…

Here’s the idea: Recast the whole thing but use the same characters and start again as if it’s the next week’s show. (The next week after the week when it was so mercifully cancelled, that is.) Good idea? Sure. Problem is it sucks. I mean, recast? That’s great except that the new Scotty never – I mean NEVER - sounds Scottish. Can’t someone get him a dialect coach? And starting from the next week? As if the movies never happened?

Yeah, but they did. Remember? The odd-numbered ones sucked. Remember? “KAAAAAAAAHN!!!!” Remember?

Also, the only way to watch these things is to download some real beefy files – not their fault, I know. I’m just saying.

Okay, so what’s good? I should mention something that’s good…. Right?

Well, to tell the truth, take everything about the old show and just flip it – make a negative image – for the new one. So everything that was good then is bad now, and everything that was bad then is good now. For instance: effects. Sucked then – pretty now. Sets. Cheesy then – retro and kinda cool now. (I mean, everything is the mother-fucking same! It’s like they went to Shatner’s garage sale or something!) Actors. Good then, which is to say they fit their part – bad now, which is to say I can’t help getting the feeling this is the Federation Fanclub Presents Star Trek. Acting (and, I know this is confusing but)… bad then – equally bad now but in wild and purple ways.

Is there a bottom line? Yes. You have to watch this. If you loved the old Original series, you have to watch it for nostalgia. If you hated it, this just gives you more creamy goodness to hate.

Enjoy it with someone you love… and throw up a little in your mouth.

(And, yes, if they read this you better believe I’d sell my wife’s left kidney for a chance to be cast on the mother-fucking show!)

(Don’t worry, Vic. They’re not reading.)

(Kidney. Yummy kidney. I’m just saying)