I get a lot of crapmail in general and I came across one of the crappiest examples just a few minutes ago. It was one of those “fun” questionnaires that gets sent around, using common household items to describe just who you are deep within.
I’m sure you’ve seen these. What kind of footstool are you? What kind of silverware are you? What kind of belly button lint are you? The survey has you choose your favorite and then tells you pleasantly vague things about yourself based on the answer. The things it says are always pleasantly vague. They have to be pleasant, since oftentimes these come from people who want you to consider them friends (if only of the “emails me crap I wouldn’t otherwise read” variety), and they have to be vague, because it’s patently obvious to anyone with a brain that EMAILS DO NOT HAVE BRAINS!
Why don’t we take a look at the one I just got (which I received from several people, the way a deadly disease spreads) and dissect it critically.
This one purports to tell you about yourself based on what type of dessert you may presently be in the mood for. This must be a thing of miracles because, after all, your mood for dessert could be based on so very many things: what you just ate, if you just brushed your teeth, if you have teeth…
It starts by having you make a choice. Now, remember, you are only able to make one choice! Disregard the fact that this is clearly untrue, that you can clear make more than one choice – THE EMAIL IS ALL POWERFUL! THE EMAIL IS SMARTER THAN YOU!
Here are your choices:
1. Angel Food Cake
3. Lemon Meringue
4. Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate Icing on Chocolate Cake
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake
Then, the email explains that “research” has been done to determine who you are based upon your one dessert choice. Imagine the astronomical amount of research that must have been done to make this distinction! Why… lots of dessert must have been eaten by… lots of people… right????
Then, it gives you the answers.
If you picked Angel Food Cake, you are sweet. If you picked Brownies, you are adventurous. If you picked Lemon Meringue (and no, they make no distinction about pie or no pie), you are sexy. If you picked Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing, you are fun-loving. If you picked strawberry short cake, you are romantic. If you picked Chocolate Icing on Chocolate Cake (but notice you did not pick the cake, just the icing on the cake… somehow you are eating the icing but avoiding the cake… which must be far more popular that I thought), you are also sexy… wait, I thought that was for Lemon Meringue eaters… If you picked Ice Cream, you like sports. (You don't have to play them. You don't have to watch them. You just have to like them... any of them... isn't that convenient?) And if you picked Carrot Cake, you are fun-loving, which you would also be if you liked Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing. Fun loving people are everywhere.
As you can see, it’s not very clear. All the answers are intentionally vague - who doesn't like to think of themselves as fun-loving? Or sexy? It's based on the idea that people like to has smoke blown so far up their asses that it clouds their vision. I am obviously not amongst them.
Now, I’ve been told that the reason to do these things is because they are “fun”.
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.
Listen: sex is fun. Roller coasters are fun. More sex is fun.
Having your personality, your very essence reduced down to a FOOD CHOICE is not fun! Being provided with some bullshit story about some fucking research done so I can be minimized – as if the complexities of my personality don’t mean shit – if I like ice cream, I like sports and no arguing about it – is not fun!
The whole point of these emails, besides being monumentally insulting to anyone with a brain cells, is to provide a cheap compliment, a faux kind of understanding. It’s a way of saying, “This is about as far as I want to get to know you. Let’s keep it superficial.”
How anyone could possibly NOT be insulted by it is beyond me! I know they’ll keep getting sent, simply because people will keep on being superficial and stupid, but that doesn’t mean I have to like them. It just means that if you send me one, my opinion of you is going to drop just a little bit further.
… Oh, and I can't help but feel sorry for the poor son of a bitch who likes pineapple upside-down cake for dessert!