I don’t know if you’d call it a panic attack..

I’ve had panic attacks and this doesn’t have me wanting to run, screaming… not quite…

Terrified? Certainly. Just not panicked.

See, I’ve been trying to keep my cool these past six months but now I have only one unemployment check left and, after applying for well over two hundred jobs (figured at a job or two a day – it’s probably been much, much more), no interest from anyone in hiring me.

I’m getting to the place where I am going to be really, really screwed and I’m running out of ideas on how to avoid it. I’ve tried applying for jobs I knew I could do. I’ve tried applying for jobs I couldn’t do. I’ve tried playing it safe. I’ve tried applying for crazy jobs. I’ve tried perm, temp, contract, full-time, part-time, freelance, and telecommuting. I’ve applied for anything I could apply for – just to see if someone would call me about it.

And the worst thing is that, not only am I going down, I’m taking Vicky with me.

No. Scratch that. The worst thing is what I did today. I mean, I know I’m taking Vicky with me, and Vicky knows that, too. There’s nothing new there. But today I actually asked Vicky if she could have dinner somewhere else tonight all because I’ve lost my guts and I can’t face her. Here I am, ruining her life, and I’m asking her to make it easier for me.

I don’t know which is worse, having to live with this situation or having to live with myself.

For those of you wondering, we’re doing okay financially, so far. This is more a testament to Vicky’s incredible money management – certainly not to me in any way. She’s been able to keep us afloat in spite of me. But the point, of course, is that we shouldn’t be in this position at all. Is it any wonder I feel like such a fucking failure?

Okay, I’m going to shut up.

For so many years, I was the guy who had his shit together – by which I mean only that I could get the job I wanted, hold it, and keep it. But now, nothing is going right. Seriously? I’m not really liking it much.