This is NOT a product endorsement…

So, I finally had one of those e-gels I bought a few weeks ago. I had read that if you start flat lining after a tough ride, you should have e-gels handy… so I bought some… so I could have one… if I needed it… to have…

Today, I made it home in some pretty icky heat in 52 minutes – and, no, I don’t know how fast that is – and, as I got off my bike, I could feel my body communicating this message: You vile piece of shit! What are you doing?! I wouldn’t even poop you right now, you piece of shit! And I’ve pooped some poop in my day, let me tell you! You remember all that Taco Bell? Huh? And the hot sauce? Huh? Remember? When it almost hurt, it felt so good to finally poop it – well, that’s nothing compared to you! You’re some vile, piece of shit poop!

Basically, I felt spent.

Why not have one of those e-gels, I thought!

So, I popped out a tangerine e-gel, tore it open and… wait, gotta get some water – they say you should take it with some water – okay, half a glass should be fine and… I upended the packet and squeezed some e-gel-ly goodness down my gullet.

… this is what it feels like…

Imagine… if you will…

Remember those movies about tentacled aliens? Imagine one of those tentacles going in your mouth… could be Japanese porn cartoons, I dunno. First thought: Holy shit! What the hell is this in my mouth! Next: Just bite down on it, try and break it up! Breath through your nose! Keep chewing, even though it tastes like you just put down a whole tube of grout in your mouth – what are you? Out of your mind? You can’t chew this! It’s has no texture! It just grips the sides of your mouth!

Where’s the water?! That’s what you need! Water! But how are you going to drink with – it doesn’t matter! Just pour it down your throat! Anything to end this… ewwwww, it’s ickier than anything you could ever imagine! It doesn’t taste like tangerines at all! It taste like tangerine diarrhea… if tangerines could poop, is what I’m saying…

So, you drink the water – but you only have half a glass and it barely washes any of the glop – and that’s what it is, too! It’s glop! It’s some kind of disgusting, slimy thing that kids think is funny because it reminds them of bodily fluids only IT’S IN YOUR MOUTH!

More water! More water! Come on! Drink, damn you! Drink like your life depended on drowning in it – which would, of course, probably kill you so there’s not much argument there – good thing Vicky’s not here, she’d probably point that out, too… best not to tell her. Anyway, think of the fun you’ll have when you slip her some of this shit! Yes! Just wait! We’ll get her out on a hot, sunny day and say, “Are you tired, dear? Getting run down? Here. You can try my packet of –” But she’ll never fall for that! Not if she sees you dying here from this yucky, yucky – eeewww, it’s like eating fresh snot – a collection of snot, given door to door by a bunch of absolutely confused elderly men.

But you choke down the water – glass after glass, pint after pint – you choke it down, you dilute the revitalizing product so reminiscent of your last bad cold and the contents within those Kleenex…

And you realize…

To your horror…

Utter and absolute…

Because you’re too cheap just to throw things away…

That you only took one mouthful… and there’s a whole lot left…