Monday, January 29, 2007

Toes... Toes... Toes...

Can I just start by saying that the word looks wrong? "Toes." Is it really spelled that way? I mean, if someone tows your car, they...

Okay. Okay. Fine.

Anyway, I figured I should come clean. I mean, my 41st year has been the year of the loser, so far and, as my mom asked when I called her this morning, "How could it get worse?" (A rock, that woman.)

The thing is, Vicky is sure that I've broken something. I, on the other hand, am sure that we cannot afford medical bills, which means that I most certainly did not.

So, then, why are my toes all black and blue (two of them, at least) and why do three of them not want to move so much?

... Iranian terrorists?

... probably not.

Seriously, I'm thinking it's soft tissue damage. I learned a lot about medicine during my 15-year incarceration and I know my toes are moving enough to show that they're probably still in one piece. I also know that the day after an injury always looks and feels worse than the day of. Anyway, it could be a lot worse. The way I fell - which was pretty much straight down like a cut marionette - I could have dislocated, broken, smashed, or just generally fucked up a lot of parts. Three toes (again, that just looks wrong) ain't so bad!

What Vicky hasn't thought about - and here's my real concern - is how could my leg have been that much asleep? I mean, I got a big, old ham for a leg. What could have put it under?

The obvious answer: blood clot. Yep. Blood clot. I figure I'm due for a massive aneurysm inside of a week. That's it. It's traveling up my body right now, laughing all the way to the cerebral cortex, empowered by every girl I ever dated and their subsequent disdain. If my last word is "Rosa", you know who to blame.

Anyway, Vicky is threatening me with a doctor's visit - just like as if I was eight years old, I swear - if I'm not up and hobbling in the next few days. So, I've decided to start some serious icing. No, not like on a Cinnabon (drooooooooooooooooooool!), I mean like ice-cold icing. I did it this morning. Actually got freezer burn. My middle toe was frozen solid and, when I flexed my foot, I flipped myself off.

I wonder if it's trying to tell me something?

1 comment:

Jenn from WA said...

Tell Vicky that even it is broken, the doctor won't be able to do anything. They can't set toes. = ) As for the blood clot, been there. done that. Take baby aspirine. = ) And that may help with any acting like a baby that may be going on.