You can’t pay bills with love…

I said these words to Vicky today. They sound horribly cynical, but…

People shared a lot of love with me today, actors who are in my show, my agent, and others. It was really nice. I mean, right now I’m feeling pretty sad about the way things are turning out and it’s nice to hear that people think so highly of me.

But then, I was talking to Vicky and I felt stupid telling her about all the love. And I said, “I know, you can’t pay bills with love…”

Listen, I’m getting a reputation as something of an optimist these days. Between my regular gig on Recovering the Self and the way people are seeing me after Climbing Maya, I suppose that’s how I present myself. And, honestly, it’s better than that cynic people saw me as for so many years. The problem with being seen as an optimist, though, is that I feel like I’m letting them down when I let my natural disappointment at current events show through. It’s been hard and I’m feeling pretty raw. I’m not quitting by any measure, but sometimes I need to just honestly vent…

And then, I get all this love. People telling me how much my play inspired them and how they’re looking forward to more of my work. Other people letting me know how my writing has helped them understand life a bit better.

My agent wrote these words to me today, “One day we are going to share a bottle of wine and reconstruct the world.“ I don’t know if I’m worthy of that – I mean, I’ll take the wine, of course – but the idea that I’m someone that anyone would want to sit down with and even play at reconstructing the world. These days, I can barely hold my own world together. And yet, the faith people have in me makes me think that maybe… I mean, just maybe, I might be worth it.

It doesn’t pay the bills but it is inestimable. And I hope one day to earn it.