When I saw the Welcome to California sign, I actually
cheered. Why? Because of good phone reception and a time zone I could get
behind (seriously, what’s with the sun in the north – is it afraid of the
horizon?) and, well… work.
Yes, you read that right. I wanted to get back to work.
So, sue me.
But I should have realized something was wrong when we
stepped into our room in the Crescent City Quality Inn and found that the light
switch by the door turned on the bathroom light – on the OTHER SIDE OF THE
ROOM! (Their electrician must have been high…)
Then, of course, we hit crazy traffic in Frisco, trying to
get to that magical garlic of Gilroy before the shops closed.
And then, there was…
The desk clerk at the Adelaide Inn in Paso Robles
recommended Cool Hand Luke’s to us. I know it wasn’t meant as a great, bit
middle finger to our last night on the road but it might as well have been. (Which is to say nothing against the Adelaide Inn; that was very nice.)
Cool Hand Luke’s is where dining goes to die. It is the kind
of restaurant that makes you long for McDonald’s. To say it’s shitty is to
bring insult to the largest swamp of pig shit with a mountain of human
excrement possible.
It’s bad.
The servers, who we saw so little of I wondered if it was my
breath, had very few other tables to tend to but when they did I overheard them
complain about being so busy. Before we could order drinks, about fifteen
minutes after we got there, we were brought a basket of rolls and… a pot of
beans?
Yes, a pot of beans – with a single spoon. What’s the point
of that? I mean, I was there with Vicky. We could share but… really? Did they
expect this from a family of four? Or two guys who weren’t really looking to
swap spit?
So, we order our food and a half hour later are presented with
something mildly resembling playdough. I had the Bacon Macaroni and Cheese,
which was overcooked noodles in a bland cheese sauce. A few pieces of shredded cheddar
were laid on top to make it look real and then the whole mess was sprinkles
with bacon bits. Classy!
I thought I saw whip marks on my steak from where the rider
rode it to death but then I realized they were marks from when the veterinarian
patched it up. I’m not saying it was dog… it was probably cat.
When we finally reached Los Angeles, I gave a big, deep
breath, happy to be back home.
I think I’ve outgrown the road trip. As much as I love
spending time with Vicky, two people like us just should not be cooped up in a
car for two weeks. Our next vacation should be somewhere we can relax, be
served drinks, and possibly have more drinks.
For now, I’m just happy to be back home.
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