Yes, okay… fine. This is going to about a trip to Mexico. Hey, that’s as “international” as Vicky and I can afford right now, okay?
So, our big trip to Cabo is approaching and I cannot wait. I’ve had it with working and schooling and waking and standing and locomoting and moving and respirating. (I’ll be staying in the Intensive Care wing of the resort.) It’s been over a year and a half since our last trip and I am DUE!
Vicky and I will be going to the RIU Palace in Cabo. This is a place recommended to us by people we know – well, Vic knows them – and we hear it’s wonderful. Now, I’ll tell you all about the amenities after we get back (so I can tell you what’s really there rather than what I hear is there); today, I just want to tell you about the reviews.
Of course, I’m starting to settle into “vacation mode”, that peculiar condition where you might as well already be on vacation for all the good you are to anyone. So, my mind has been set on 24-hour RIU. One thing I’ve started doing has been to read all the reviews.
Okay, that was a mistake! The reviews make me wish I was going somewhere else… like HOME!
Let’s start with the good reviews. The good reviews usually start with “It’s not that bad”… way to sell! They talk about how they were never robbed or mugged or beaten by police once… which, in my book, is always reason to celebrate. They mention how the food isn’t the best – and this is a good review? – but they didn’t once vomit.
In a way, the good reviews worry me more than the bad ones.
The bad reviews are oftentimes just funny.
One reviewer said her husband fell down a flight of stairs – but he wasn’t drinking! No drinking! He really wasn’t drinking!... I wonder if it’s at all possible he might have been drinking – and how it took the resort staff a long time to get him help. Several thousand other guests might do that… maybe…
Another reviewer mentioned that she had $400 stolen from her. Why the hell did you bring $400 – cash – to Mexico???
It’s not just that the reviewers are stupid. They just seem consistently suspicious.
My favorite one, though, the one that has put all suspicion out of my mind and readied me to just sit back and enjoy the mayhem, was posted today. I’m going to quote directly for you. This one was from another woman… and why do they all seem to be from women?... who starts by saying that the resort was “nothing short of being a complete and udder waste of my time and money.” You can’t make that stuff up.
But it gets better. “The whole resort is a joke, 24-hour food service? They don’t serve past 10:30 pm, and they don’t start serving until next day at 7 am. The food was comparable to cheap frozen dinners, (tasteless and awful) all 6 adult people and 3 kids in my party suffered from food poisoning.” The food was horrible and we hardly got any!!!
Even away from the resort, this woman wasn’t happy. “I scheduled a excursion of parasailing at the hotel lobby, when we went to the site on the beach they told me that they must take me by jet ski to the main boat so I could parasail, I asked for a life jacket vest since I don’t know how to swim plus Cabo San Lucas is also very well known for their high tide and big waves, they would Not supplied me with one! They told me that they are professional and I don’t need one!!… They assured me of my safety and pleasant experience!!, sure enough, shortly after that statement they the jet ski flipped over on my leg which I got injured from and they dropped me in the ocean which resulted of ruined my $700 digital SLR camera.” If I may, I’ll translate this into English for you. She wanted to engage in a dangerous sport. She arranged to engage in a dangerous sport. But she felt that going to engage in the dangerous sport was… well, too dangerous. She wanted to go out and sail over the water but didn’t want to be near the water. She couldn’t swim but agreed to get on a jetski without a life “jacket vest”. Then – and, really, isn’t this the best part? – when she falls in the water, she doesn’t blame her own stupidity for being talked into getting on the jetski, she blames someone else (big surprise!). AND, apparently, she was dumb enough to bring her (apparently not waterproof) digital camera with her!
Then, she closes by saying “There was no where to run to or escape.” Lady! You’re surrounded by resorts! You’re not on Riker’s Island! Not even Wesley Crusher’s Isthmus! Get a fucking clue!
Is it possible this woman’s correct? That the food is horrible and in such small portions? That they waste udders? That they force you onto jetskis and break your cameras? That there is NO ESCAPE?
Yeah. Sure. Maybe.
But I live for danger.
… oh, and we got the name of another resort just in case… did I mention I want to parasail?