Sunday, December 30, 2012

2012 was the year I got shorter…

Since time immemorial… well, since 1984 at least, I have always worn jeans sized 36x32. Even as I got older and even as I got fatter, I made sure my jeans were 36x32. If my jeans began getting too snug, I’d know to stop eating so I could still fit in my jeans. When my jeans got looser, I’d know I had my weight under control.
But I could never have guessed what really made my jean size change…
A while back, I realized the cuffs of my jeans were dragging. After a while, they were always dragging. Eventually, I had to start rolling up my cuffs.
Must be the brand of jeans I’m wearing, I reasoned. They simply made a longer 32 length jean… right?
Well, if you read the subject line, you’d know that not to be the case.
Today, when I went to buy a new pair of jeans, I grabbed a size 36x30 jean – just as a lark! And when I put them on, they fit beautifully – not too tight, not binding – and then, it hit me!
They were the right length!!
Somewhere out there, I had shrunk! Shrunk!
Now, I know people get shorter as they get older but, dammit, I’m not that old! I’m only 47! I’m not supposed to start shrinking, yet, am I?
… AM I?????
… still, there was no escaping it. Somewhere along the line, I lost two inches of height.
It’s going to be difficult readjusting to life as a short man. I’m going to have to start using stepping stools. I’m going to have to just up and wave just to be seen.
I’ll have to stand on my tip-toes to kiss Vicky…
Sigh, ain’t old age a bitch?

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