Ov-ulation, a game we like to play! First you take a woman’s egg, then you give the man a keg… (Okay, enough of that…)
I received the strangest phone call yesterday. “As soon as you get home, we’re having sex.”
Who is this person on the phone? I wondered. Happily, it was a woman. Score points for that. The voice sounded familiar… I ran a list of all the people who would want to have sex with me, cross-checked it against all the women I was allowed to have sex with… something wasn’t adding up.
Would you believe it? When I got home – it was Vicky! Holy shit!
Okay, seriously though, she was ovulating. (You knew there had to be a catch, right?) The call was out for sperm. Fresh sperm. And lots of it. So, I went to the fridge…
… oh, wait…
But when opportunities like this come about, I can’t help regretting all the sperm I wasted on other women, porn, and charitable donations (it was the ‘80’s…). By the end of the evening, Vicky had that look on her face that said, “That’s all you got?”
… either that or it was, “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”
Ether way, I now know that all my troops are now, even at this moment, swimming for all their worth.
Swim. Swim. Swim.
“Come on, guys. We gotta get to that egg!”
“Are you kidding?” one of the tougher, meaner-looking ones asks, as he ashes his cigarette onto the uterus. “Don’t you understand what that’s all about, kid? You swim up there and, next thing you know, you’re talking college savings, finding a good school, responsibilities and – ”
“But that wouldn’t be up to me! That would be Ken’s responsibility. That’s why he’s out there, to be a good dad to us when we’re born!”
“Listen to yourself! Listen to what you’re saying!” The sperm takes a long drag and blows a thick, grey stream of smoke into the eager one’s face. “Don’t you realize what you’re talking about? Ken’s responsibility? Ken as a daddy? You gotta be fucking nuts if you think that’s gonna work out!”
But the tough sperm doesn’t need to say any more. Even as he takes another drag, he can see the swim is all out of the sperm as it sits on the curb and cries.
… Man… I have issues.