Taglines that never quite took off...

Taglines that never quite took off...

#25: Pork. The other white steroid-laden, hormone soaked obscenity that shouldn't get near your mouth.

#24: Beef. It's what's for dinner... until we run out and start on the cats.

#23: Michelob Ultra. Still tastes just as shitty as our regular beer - in fact, even moreso!

#22: Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas, looks much better in a movie. Otherwise, it's shit.

#21: Finger-lickin' barf!

#20: Snap. Crackle. And, yes, we know they taste like cardboard. What do you want from us?

#19: Every kiss begins with a K... and ends with the terrible suspicion that the other person has herpes.

#18: Ivory Soap. 99.44% pure... the rest is rat feces.

#17: When you care enough to send a shitty card.

#16: Never let them see you sweat... or crap your pants.

#15: Dunkin. Time to make the donuts, just as soon as I spit in the batter.

#14: Disneyland. The happiest place on earth as long as you're not a Jew.

#13: Have a coke and these dead polar bears we found floating around.

#12: Have a coke and diabetes.

#11: Have a coke and rotten teeth.

#10: Please don't squeeze the Charmin... perv.

#9: What's in your wallet? Really? How much? Holy shit. Seriously? Well, hand it over.

#8: Nothing comes between me and my Calvins... except for my crabs.

#7: Calgon, kill my husband and make it look like an accident. Oh, and I could use some cocaine.

#6: Got bovine lactation fluid?

#5: Budweiser. The King of Uriney-looking beverages.

#4: Bounty. The quicker - oh, ick. I don't want to touch that!

#3: You're in good colon with Allstate.

#2: I can't believe I ate the whole cat.

#1: Morbid Obesity. It isn't just for breakfast anymore.

New series are coming to my YouTube channel...

Launching on my YouTube channel on September 1^st will be GETTING OUT MORE OFTEN with Sean & Ken. I’m really excited about this. I am working with my friend, Sean, to create a monthly series in which we get out and around southern California to restaurants, shops, you name it. I’ll talk a bit about the place, interview people, and we’ll have a great time. Our first episode will take us to our local breakfast joint: Keno’s… but will we survive?

 

Be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel for this and other exclusive web series coming this year!

Taking a peak at Bedford…

Went on a pretty strenuous hike yesterday up into Silverado Canyon in the Cleveland National Forest to Bedford Peak.

… it didn’t exactly go as planned.

Fortunately, it wasn’t my first time out there. On my first hike, I’d only taken about a liter of water and a snack. I had hiked at 10am with no clear goal or idea where I was going. This time, things would be different.

I brought two liters of water and several snacks. I left at 7:15am!

That’s right.

I was ready.

Mind you, the first couple of miles is just about straight uphill – and that sucks. But there was some shade, which helped. I made it to the peak and was just about ready to turn around when…

… hold on…

… it wasn’t the peak.

It was A peak.

But I couldn’t find the USGS marker showing that it was THE peak, Bedford Peak.

Fine, I thought. At that point, I could see I was hiking on a ridge of peaks. One of them should be Bedford.

I proceeded to the next peak… no marker.

Damn!

From the peak, the trail descended to a metal gate and I took it. When I reached the gate, I said, “It’s time to have something to eat.” I ate a banana, which survived surprisingly well, and an apple. Damn, apples are good on a hike!

As I was eating my apple, I saw the biggest coyote I’d ever seen cross the trail about 20 yards or so, back the way I’d come. It was beautiful. Most coyotes I’ve seen are mangy things that slope down into the city in search of food. This beast strode tall and proudly, a king amongst coyotes. It was mostly tail, sporting the biggest, bushiest tail I’d ever seen.

I said, “WOW!” like a schoolboy.

And, of course, the coyote saw me. He turned and looked at me like I wasn’t worth the trouble.

I said, “Hello, Mister Coyote.”

He walked away, uninterested in conversation.

From the gate I leaned against, I could see a small trail shoot off to another peak not far away. I took that… no dice.

I had one option remaining. I was now on the Main Divide Road, which sloped up to another series of peaks. I decided to take the “road” to the next peak – just one more and then I’d be done.

Well, it didn’t exactly go straight up. Like the other trail, it meandered its way around. When I finally reached the peak, which by this time was a climb of about 3,800 feet or so, I looked around… but couldn’t find a USGS marker. (It was only when I reached home that I discovered that had been Bedford Peak. Next time, I’ll have to look more carefully for the marker.)

By this time, the sun hovered high above me. The time was after 11am and the day was getting hotter. It was time to turn back. My legs were growing weary and the hike down off the peak just made them worse.

But I got back to my car and I got back home and I armed myself with lots of Advil. That was quite a hike!

Married to a Chef on So Dream Something...

Kerilyn Russo, founder of Married to a Chef (at www.marriedtoachef.com), is my guest this month on So Dream Something.

You don’t have to be paranoid…

Now that we know the federal government is doing everything it can to impinge upon our liberties – tracking phone calls, online interactions, credit card numbers, how many erections we have each day, etc. – it almost doesn’t pay to be paranoid.

I mean, it’s right there in your face!

So, I was wondering what all of this new “freedom” (he said, Orwellian-ly) will do for us. Keep in mind that no matter how many federal employees all this data goes to… it’s still going to people who work for the government, just about the laziest, dumbest, shiftiest people around. You know: ‘Marukins!

I have this sinking suspicion that it won’t make much of a difference at all. If the government decides you’re an enemy, they’ll now have plenty of resources to “prove it”. If, on the other hand, you have enough money and bribe enough politicians… you’ll be just fine, Mister Romney!

I mean, look at how the background on Edward Snowden (the hero who told us all what our government is doing to us) is already being leaked to paint the picture the government wants painted. From geek to lay-about, it’s not about the story or the truth, it’s about being in the 4th grade – and who wants to be seen with the nerd?

It’ll get worse, of course. Just as we’ve seen the US government slowly crucify Bradley Manning, Snowden will also find himself under the government’s thumb.

And this all happens because of choices we make: people we vote for, organizations we fund. If we would stop being such sheep and remember who has been wronging us – and, yes, I include President Obama in this list – we can change things.

I have hope such a thing is possible.

My name is Fielding Mellish.

It must be bad if it’s illegal, right?...

Another state made something about pot legal today. I don’t know which state. In fact, I can’t even source my claim – but it does seem as though something is made legal each day. Either pot is legalized for medicinal purposes or it’s legalized outright. The fact is, states are changing their mind about this whole marijuana thing.

And the federal government continues to insist that it MUST be illegal. Hell, it’s bad for you, isn’t it? Isn’t it a gateway drug, the end of civilization, the cock of Satan, as we’ve always been told? They certainly can’t make it legal if it’s bad for you, can they?

… well, I was thinking about this today as I was out jogging and it made me think.

Consider tobacco. It’s perfectly legal for adults, isn’t it? And what is its one redeeming value?

It’ll kill you.

That’s it. The best thing you can say about tobacco is it will kill you.

Meanwhile, what can you say about pot? Well, it’s beneficial medicinally. When raw, its benefits to your health are incredible. Growing it helps the soil. It can be made into a textile, an oil, paper, concrete… the list goes on and on.

Oh, and odds are pretty good it won’t kill you.

The only reason tobacco is legal is because the tobacco lobby bribes our politicians so well. Marijuana does not have as powerful a lobby. Not to mention, other industries such as oil, lumber, alcohol, pharmaceuticals, and so on would be ruined if hemp or pot were ever legalized.

And there you have it. That’s called politics. It doesn’t need to make sense. It just needs to make the rich richer.

A hike that had my GPS flummoxed…

By the time I completed my hike this morning, my GPS was telling me I had covered 30.85 miles.

My guess is that it was wrong.

This all started at about 7:30 this morning. I piled into my little Honda with a new set of hiking sticks, a new backpack, and even a new hat! I was ready for an adventure!

I wasn’t exactly sure where that adventure would happen but I knew it would start at the Maple Springs trailhead out in Silverado Canyon. Maple Springs starts a long service trail that winds in a seemingly endless journey through the Santa Ana Mountains. Plan A was to just hike that service trail for five or six miles before turning around, thus ensuring plenty of exercise, fresh air, and sore muscles.

But I didn’t go with Plan A.

Plan B presented itself almost immediately, in the form of an unmarked trail about a quarter of a mile up the road. I didn’t know where it went or where it went to – just the kind of adventure I was looking for!

I turned my body in the direction of the trail, fixed my new hiking sticks firmly in hand, and set off…

The trail was your typical, two-foot wide affair, winding around the hillsides, gaining elevation in a slow and steady manner. Fortunately, the morning was still young and the air still cool. The hiking was easy. Of course, after a while, the morning wasn’t so young and I had to remove my hoodie lest I sweat like a hog… which is what I ended up doing anyway.

Soon, I ran into an older gent coming down the hillside. He walked without sticks or packs or even a hat, completely at ease on the hill. He was surrounded by four large dogs, all affably just trotting along. When they saw me kneeling with my hands out and palm up, which is my way of greeting dogs these days, they came up and shared a friendly greeting. Then, the gent and I exchanged greetings and I asked him about the trail.

“Oh, it’s just about three miles to the top,” he said.

So, I kept going. Around and around the hillsides, I hiked, wondering how accurate the old gent’s estimate was. After a while, I knew I’d probably gone a couple of miles and I started looking for the top.

Instead, I saw another old guy heading down my way. This guy was wrapped head to toe in sweats and jeans and a hoodie – this guy was not going to get sunburned! He had the hiking sticks, pack, and hat; I didn’t feel quite so much like a novice.

When I asked him about the top, he said, “That’s about three and a half miles to go. You can’t miss it. There’s a bench there and everything.”

Okay, I thought. Just gotta keep going.

But the hours kept passing and, soon, it was approaching 11am. I’d been hiking for nearly three hours. I knew going down would be much fast than going up. Still, I figured that would be a good time to turn around. I’d hit the peak next time.

Then, I heard my GPS. The GPS app I use, Map My Hike, gives me audible updates on my progress and I heard it tell me how long I’d been hiking, more than two hours, and how far I’d gone. And that’s what threw me. Because it said, “9.5 miles.”

“What?” I muttered. That couldn’t be right. Could it?

Mind you, I’d never taken this trail before… but still…

If anything this just reinforced my decision to turn around, which I did. I ate a snack – a bag of graham crackers, half of which I put in my pocket – and set off.

Down the hill, I went.

Parts of the hillside were pretty steep and I paid attention to the trail as I went. On one straightaway, I noticed a tree branch laying across the trail. When I looked back, I noticed the branch had gotten smaller.

Hold on… I thought.

That’s no tree branch.

As I focused on the “branch”, I realized it was moving. At over two feet long, that “branch” was actually the end of a large snake, slithering across the trail. It wasn’t a rattler and I had no problems with it… but I wish I’d seen it sooner. It looked really cool!

Returning to the bottom of the hill, I came upon a nice, shady area by a dried-up creek bed. I’d seen this on the way up, of course, and had told myself that I could eat the rest of my graham crackers there, in the shade. So, once I got there, I pulled out my crackers, and tried to ignore the flies buzzing around.

Then, the buzzing grew much louder. These were some very loud flies.

But watching them fly around in front of me as their numbers grew, I realized that these were not flies.

I looked down at my arm and saw three fat bees walking on my arm… which was exactly the moment was panic set in. I yelped and shouted. I grabbed my hat off my head and swatted furiously at all the flies that had landed on me and I hauled ass down the trail.

After a bit, they were all gone. But I walked with purpose back to my car.

And my GPS said, “You have gone 30.85 miles.”

No. Not really… it just felt like it.

It came back from the dead...

Did you hear the news?

My Side is coming back.

No. Not the blog.

My Side. You know…. from about 20 years ago.

When I realized that property was just sitting there, going to waste, I spent some time thinking about how I would bring it back… if I were to bring it back…

Check out my YouTube channel on August 1, 2013 to see what My Side looks like now. I think you’ll like the new drapes.

My Side. August 2013.

http://www.youtube.com/user/theKenLaSalle

Alacrity...

I’m supposed to be writing something else right now. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get my mind on it. So, I decided that sometimes the best way to focus on something is by focusing on something else. I had been wanting to write a blog about Alacrity for the past couple of weeks but just haven’t been able to get around to it.

Well, that ends now.

You see, Alacrity died over a week ago. His death was not sudden or unexpected. He was very old and very tired.

I should probably explain to those who don’t know. Alacrity was a cat. He was my cat for just about 18 years of my life and he was my friend through some of the worst times and some of the best times. I’ve included a picture of him here, taken many years ago.

To take my mind off the thing I have to write today, I decided to list the first five memories that entered my mind when thinking about Alacrity. They’re not the “top 5” or the “bottom 5”… they’re just five things that stand out. I list them here in chronological order.

 

#1. The first day we met.

Alacrity was never really supposed to be a part of my family. Back in 1995, I had gone to the vet with my ex-wife to adopt a new kitten and we had found a beautiful, golden kitten who was just perfect. When we returned to bring him home, however – something got in the way – the kitten was gone. They told us he had mistakenly been given to another family.

So, we decided to select another.

I went to the cage where several kittens still awaited adoption – and this tiny, white thing came running to me. He just ran to me like he knew me right away and that was it. There was no need to decide. He picked me!

And then, the vet found the little, golden kitten and we returned home with two cats that day. We named one Bandoo Lelala, after a character in a book I had written. And we named the other Alacrity Fitzhugh, after a character in a book I’d read.

 

#2 The Claw

Some years later, after my marriage had gone to shit and I was on my own, Alacrity had an appointment with the vet. A checkup.

Alacrity had never been the kind of cat who liked being picked up. It just wasn’t his thing. But I had to pick him up to put him in the cat carrier.

So, I picked him up with one hand, held the carrier in the other – and as I moved to drop him in, Alacrity somehow twisted around and dug a single claw deep into my neck. It was impaled in there!

I dropped the cat carrier and pulled on his paw, but the claw was not coming out!

I had to extricate it almost like a fish hook, very delicately, as Alacrity continued to struggle…

Let’s just say… it wasn’t pretty.

 

#3. Doing the crawl.

Sometime shortly after that, I got to see Alacrity swim for the first time… on dry land.

My friend, Cindy, had come over to smoke some pot one night. We were tremendous smokers. We’d fill up the apartment with thick, white smoke.

I didn’t realize cats could get high from second-hand smoke. Sure enough, however, we watched as my cats got a contact high like I’d never seen. They wobbled and played like they were in a field of catnip!

Then, out of nowhere, Alacrity entered my peripheral vision and I turned to see him doing the backstroke on my carpet. He crossed the room on his back almost like he was swimming.

When he got to me, I reached down and found him purring like crazy. He was having a great time.

 

#4. IV.

As unintentionally ironic as the title might be, the next big event was when we had to give Alacrity IV medication.

This happened many years later, long after Vicky and I were married. Alacrity had suffered from a very bad kidney infection and the doctor had given us some IV medication to give to Alacrity at home. We had to give it to him for about a week, if memory serves, and Vicky and I had to decide who would administer the IV and who would hold Alacrity.

Now, this might sound like a no-brainer. Holding the cat would sound like an easy job, right? But Alacrity had shown me just how adept he was with his claws and he was by no means a senior citizen at that time. As much as I did not want to administer the medicine, I also didn’t want Vicky’s body left bloody by two fistfuls of claws.

So, I chose to hold Alacrity – and was pleasantly surprised to find him absolutely docile. He even purred.

Mind you, as Alacrity got older, the two of us became… well, what can I say? We’d known each other for over a decade by then and I had become comfortable in our relationship. I know I took him for granted.

So, when I held him and pet him, I guess so much time had passed that he was just happy for the attention, despite the needle in his butt (or wherever Vicky had put it).

 

#5. Saying goodbye.

Alacrity was about 18 years old when we had him put to sleep.

He was old and tired. In the final month, he stopped moving a whole lot. Most of the time, he slept. Then, in the final week, he stopped just about everything else. He stopped using the litter box. He stopped going outside. He stopped eating and drinking.

We knew he was done and we didn’t want his final days to be filled with pain.

Vicky is very good at dealing with sick and dying animals, though she’s warned me that when our dog, Suki, dies she will be completely useless. And she’s been terrific with other pets. But Alacrity and I had known each other for so long, I knew this was my job.

So, we went to the vet and explained what was going on and I told her we wanted him put to sleep. Mind you, they weren’t recommending any drastic, life-saving measures. Clearly, the time had come.

Vicky and I sat with Alacrity for a moment before the vet came into the private room with the injection but I didn’t want to drag it out. Whatever discomfort Alacrity was experiencing needed to end quickly.

He died right away, almost as if he had been waiting for just that moment.

 

When he was gone, I thought about everything we had been through. All of the times we had cuddled late at night. All of the times he had howled and kept me from sleeping late at night. All of the treats he’d eaten from my hand. All of the puke I’d cleaned up.

For better and worse, he was okay. A pain in the ass? Yes. Everybody’s friend? Yes.

He was okay. And I was glad to have known him.

Shawn Kathryn Kane guests on So Dream Something...

This month's episode of So Dream Something brings you actor and writer, Shawn Kathryn Kane.

We discuss such varied topics as...

Courage, Atlantic Theater Company Acting School, New York University, Tisch School of the Arts, Ivana Chubbuck, The Common Tongue, Edward Albee, Wendy MacLeod, Lucy Thurber, “actual acting”, Catholic school, Staten Island, Being shy, Self-marketing, Self-promotion, Social networking, Jobs that make sense, Chris Bauer, Education, SAG, AFTRA, Actor Salon, Soap operas, General Hospital, Standing Sets, Repair, Noirmare, Margie Haber, Sometimes We Find Our Way, Stephanie Schulz, Sonja Berggren, www.shawnkathrynkane.com,www.kenlasalle.com, In Our Selves, Blue Food

Shawn was a terrific guest and I hope you enjoy it!

Today is the release date for "In Our Selves"...

Dreams make us better, happier, healthier people. They help us achieve our greatest potential. They help us become the person we want to be.

In Our Selves brings another collection of my essays from the pages of Recovering the Self. Not only does this collection share my own journey but it also provides the reader with tips and clues and signposts to help them on theirs.

Dreams are the best parts of all of us. We should never forget they lie not in the stars but In Our Selves…

You can find In Our Selves for all e-readers
On Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/310004
And for your Kindle on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CLFHH5I

I hope you choose to pick up a copy today.

In Our Selves & On the cover...

My second collection of essays from Recovering The Self is being released this weekend for all digital formats. Called In Our Selves, this collection includes a year's worth of inspirational essays, bonus material, and this fine cover...

Look for it on Amazon and wherever e-books are sold!

You Scream... I-ce Cream! (Blue Food, Trailer #1)...

Trailer #2 comes out for Climbing Maya...

Angelia Formisano helps bring episode 7 of So Dream Something...

My guest this week is Angelia Formisano, and I am pleased to welcome her to the podcast. Angelia is likely the youngest guest I’ve interviewed thus far, and she brought a new kind of energy to the show. She’s a young woman who knows what she wants and is going for it – and hasn’t been beaten down a dozen times in the process. And let’s hope she never is.

While just a senior in the Bachelor of Fine Arts Theatre Performance program at Chapman University in Southern California, Angelia’s resume is extensive. Some of her shows have included Company, The Rimers of Edlritch, Arabian Nights, Urinetown: The Musical, Don't Call Me Baby, The Vagina Monologues, Shrink, The Myth of the Cubicle (by some unknown writer) Murder at the Porcelain Ballet, Anything Goes, Seussical the Musical, Arms and the Man, My Fair Lady, Noises Off!, The Foreigner, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Grease, The Mystery of Edwin Drood, The Taming of the Shrew, and Lend Me a Tenor. She also appeared in the film: Incest! The Musical”.

Angelia is a charismatic young woman whose energy towards life and the dream she’s engaged in is always obvious. And she’s looking forward to continuing that journey as a professional actress after graduation in Spring 2013.

While Angelia’s career is only beginning, I was reminded of those lines by Shakespeare when she mentioned a little writing she had done and some of her interests beyond what she can see right now, her search for growth, her openness to whatever life brings. Part of pursuing a dream means being open to whatever turn it takes – and sometimes those turns lead us into new roles.

You can find out more about Angelia at her forthcoming website: www.angeliaformisano.com.

We covered a lot of territory in this episode, including…

As You Like It, Shakespeare, The Day We Said Goodbye, Chapman University, Company, The Rimers of Edlritch, Arabian Nights, Urinetown: The Musical, Don't Call Me Baby, The Vagina Monologues, Shrink, The Myth of the Cubicle, Murder at the Porcelain Ballet, Anything Goes, Seussical the Musical, Arms and the Man, My Fair Lady, Noises Off!, The Foreigner, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Grease, The Mystery of Edwin Drood, The Taming of the Shrew, Lend Me a Tenor, Incest! The Musical, A Whole New World, Aladdin, Bishop Gorman High School, Las Vegas, Elena Ferrante-Martin, Our Town, Renny Harlin, Die Hard 2, Burn Notice, White Collar, Stephen Sondheim, Irene Ryan, Ladies Who Lunch, Bristol Palin, Reality TV, Arabian Nights, Scheherazade, The Chance Theater, Kelly Todd Robinson, OC-centric, www.angeliaformisano.com, www.kenlasalle.com, Climbing Maya, A Grand Canyon

Third time's the charm...

The second trailer for A Grand Canyon, the prequel to Climbing Maya, is now available for your viewing pleasure.

The Worth of Dreams The Value of Dreamers... New Trailer!...

Check out the latest trailer for A Grand Canyon...

Recovering the Self… Year Two…

This morning, I was emailing my editor over at Recovering the Self when a realization set in.

I just finished my second year writing about pursuing your dreams. (You can find the most recent column by clicking this link.)

This fact astonishes me because I’m not really what you might call a “believer in that kind of nonsense.” You see, before I started writing about pursuing your dreams I would look at anyone who said “put out good vibes and good things will come back” or “believe in yourself” or “make your own happiness, blah, blah, blah” and I would immediately roll my eyes.

There’s a whole school of thought out there that likes to suggest that dreams, once followed, have to happen. As if the world will just roll over if you want it to. “The Secret” and all that bullshit.

I don’t believe that at all.

So, what was I doing two years ago when I suggested writing a column about pursuing your dreams?

I realized that, like it or not, that’s what I had been doing for years. If there was one thing I could write about with authority, it was that! And I decided that I would take things in a different direction, a more honest direction.

The simple fact is that pursuing your dreams is just better than not pursuing your dreams. You learn more, you live more. You’re happier, healthier, better off when you go after what makes you whole. Sure, you might not win every time. You may fail. But the wins you get make it worthwhile, make it meaningful.

That’s why you have to pursue your dreams. Not because the world will roll over for you but because IT WON’T! If you don’t make it happen, nobody else will.

And so, two years later, here I am. And they have been two incredibly fulfilling years. Now, I host a blog about pursing your dreams called, So Dream Something. (Here’s a link.) And I’ve learned to think outside of myself and about others just a bit more.

I can’t wait to see how Year Three goes!

(You can find my collection of Year One essays, in bothdigital and audio formats, by clicking here.) (A Year Two collection will be out later this year!)

Jeepers Creepers Peepers, etc….

Picked up my new eyes the other day.

… I should probably explain that.

As you may know, I wear glasses, have for many years. I was pretty damned blind as a child and went from one doctor to another, from one surgery to another. By the time I was in my 20s, I hardly needed glasses at all.

You just know that couldn’t last, right?

In fact, on my last visit to my optometrist, he addressed this issue by saying, “There are various biological factors and mitigating consequences…”

“I’m getting old,” I said, summing up.

He smiled a bit and nodded. “Um, yes.”

One nice thing about getting old is I don’t really care that I need to wear glasses any longer. Hell, it goes with the beard… which I’ll shave off one of these day. Then, it’ll go with the grey.

Now, I have two pairs of glasses. One pair is for distance vision. The other pair is for reading. That’s the new pair. My doc took my regular glasses and placed another lens on top of them. “How does that look?” he asked.

“Holy crap,” I nearly shouted. “I can see!” That’s how much of an improvement it was. I could honestly see everything I was reading – for the first time in years.

And that’s good, because I read a lot. As a writer, I spend 10-12 hours in front of my monitor, typing on my keyboard, just about every day. My doc has told me that it’s the strain on my eyes from all that “close up work” (as he calls it) that wears me out. In other words, what I do makes me who I am.

That sucks.

But there you are. So, I’m sitting here with these new glasses on, seeing everything. Eh, it ain’t so bad.